So before I start this rant (and apologize for my RSS feeds being down, I’ve got a new hosting company) I’d just like to point out that aside from Iowa and Nevada, I totally called this election. Maybe not as accurately as Mr. Silver, but definitely earlier. Good for me.

Okay, let’s go.

Let me just say that as someone who voted for Kerry in 2004, I understand the morning-after feeling that my conservative friends are experiencing right now. It begins late at night when the final counties of those crucial swing states start coming in, and you realize that your guy isn’t gonna pull off some midnight miracle. Then you think “(state x) is pretty close, maybe it will end up in a recall, and our side will pull through after all,”. Morning breaks, and the daylight washes those hopes away as you begin to wonder just how f***ing stupid the rest of America could be to give that incompetent a**hole a second term…

Yeah, I’ve been there.

Still there are always lessons to learn, and so I’d like to impart my infinite wisdom to both my allies, and my enemies (another way I am similar to Jesus).

Tips For Democrats –

1. Don’t fuck up the mid-terms.

Congratulations, you’ve won another national election. Obama came through with another home run at the bottom of ninth. You’re up 2 to 0, but the GOP has a heavy duty lineup coming down the pipe. Chris Christie, Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush (don’t kid yourselves, he is electable even with the Bush name), Bobby Jindal, Mia Love, Susana Martinez, and the list goes on. Big democratic names include…yeah I couldn’t think of any either.

The only way to have a productive 4 years is to win back the house, or at least keep the senate and pick up a few house seats. Use the local power you’ve picked up in various states to put up some ballot initiatives that both win, and get out the base (gay marriage…?). If there is repeat of 2010, the GOP will be vindicated for playing the waiting game with the American Government.

2. Immigration, women’s rights, and gay marriage.

These are the issues that gave you a sweeping victory on Tuesday night. You won because women, Latinos, and gays let you win. No one thought the Latinos would vote, but they did. No one thought that gay marriage would be a winning issue, but it was. No one thought that using various poorly chosen phrases to say that rape wasn’t all that bad would hurt…well, that was a freebie.

Every supreme court justice you get to put in should be a woman. Really, our society just needs more women judges anyway, but especially on the supreme court. Make the GOP compromise on immigration reform. They’re scared shitless of losing the Latino vote at this point, and will probably vote for whatever you tell them if they think they can decrease that 77-22 split against them. PUT GAY MARRIAGE PROTECTION ON STATE BALLOTS.

Tips For Republicans –

1. Drop the Tea Party.

Here is a list of Tea-Party favorites: – Allen West (lost, upset) – Richard Mourdock (lost, upset) – Mia Love (lost, upset) – Chip Cravaak (lost, upset) – Joe Walsh (lost) – Todd Akin (lost the safest pickup the GOP had) – Michelle Bachmann (won a Republican stronghold district by a mere 4000 votes, even after vastly outspending her opponent) …and of course Glenn Beck predicted a “Mitt Romney Landslide”, to add to his army of ideas and predictions that end up being so wrong it’s laughable.

The most popular Republican to come out of the election? Chris Christie, for having the audacity to give credit to a member of another party for doing a good job. Shouting “socialist”, bringing loaded weapons to town hall meetings, and calling college girls sluts for using birth control while blocking jobs bills and repealing Obamacare for show doesn’t work. People are sick of uncompromising obstructionism, and you can’t get away with just saying “well, both sides have to…”, because it’s mostly you guys, and you know it.

Select a few rising stars to work with Obama, get immigration reform passed, suffer a bit from a disappointed base in 2014, and win the moderates with your “team players” in 2016. And for the love of Christ, if one of your older males so much as whispers rape, you deserve to lose for a thousand years…

2. Christie/Rubio/Love/Martinez.

Your 2016 presidential ticket should have 2 of these 4 names on it. Chris Christie is the most popular Republican alive right now. I know I’ve already said it but it’s double true, so I said it twice. I disagree with nearly everything he stands in, but even I legitimately admire the way he can stand up to liberals and conservatives at the same time. He has the potential to bring people together, he gets things done, and he can draw moderates.

Marco Rubio is a Tea Party darling, but he is already starting to talk compromise with Obama. Four years is plenty of time to come to the center, and it’s hard to see him losing his senate seat in 2014. He’s handsome, Latino, young, and charismatic.

Mia Love, another Tea Party favorite has a unique opportunity to reinvent her career in the years to come. She was tainted by the extremists in the party but she herself hasn’t done anything too crazy and, like Rubio, has four years to break her ties with the dangerous elements of her own party. Also, as a black woman with looks and likeability, the sky is really the limit.

Susana Martinez is a Latino ex-democrat (an example for the entire demographic right?) who is smart and reasonable. As the governor of New Mexico, she has experience with immigration issues. She spoke out against Romney’s 47% comments, and had the legislature remove the phrase ‘forcible rape’ from abortion language for being redundant and insulting. I mean, as long as her economic ideas aren’t batshit crazy, I’m thinking of voting for her…

You have real superstars on your side of the ticket if you just come to the center and stop being assholes.

So both sides have some things to look forward to, and many many more things to fix within their own system. Of course, odds are neither side will remedy itself and we’ll see Hillary/(some white guy) against (some white guy)/(some white guy)…